Heartbreak
by Felgia Starr
Summary: It's easy to think of the things we could've been, it's easy to plan for the future, but it's damned hard for us to not hurt each other. It's hard to stay in love with you.


I love you. I love you more than life itself. I love you because you're such a mystery. I love you because you can't seem to find the good in me. It's hard to understand why you can't be with me because I'd do anything for you. I'd walk through land as a fish for you. I'd swim the ocean as a roach for you, I'd crawl through a blazing desert as a whale if it meant you'll finally learn to accept me - fuck, I'd die for you, I'd live for you, I'd kill for you.

I spend all my days grinning, pretending that it didn't hurt to see you. I spend all my nights wide awake, thinking of all the things we could've been. Sometimes I want to see you smile and happy, sometimes that's good enough. Sometimes I can't stand the sight of you levitating all over the tower. Sometimes I want you to feel the pain I feel, sometimes I want to hurt you. I know this love ain't natural, but when have we ever been normal?

I hate you. I hate you more than I hate this crime-fighting job. I hate you because I know nothing about you. I hate you because I think you're just trying to hide the fact that you actually love me. Is it that fucking hard to be in love with me? Are you that disgusted with me? I know I'm not good-looking, I know I'm not that smart, but you know I would change for you. Why can't you just let me in? Why don't you just let me take care of you? You know, I'm going to accept you no matter who or what you are, as long as you're with me. You can hurt me, curse me, use me, or send me to another dimension - just, please, be mine.

Remember the first time I told you that I love you? I was nervous as hell, sweating like crazy but I still told you how I felt. I know you knew about my feelings, you've been avoiding me ever since you'd felt it with your empathic powers. That's why I told you. I thought that you'd be less uncomfortable but, no, you told me, "I hardly doubt you have the emotional capacity to feel something as deep as love." Yes, I fucking memorized it word for word. Yes, I repeated the statement in my head for weeks over and over. And, yes, it fucking hurt. I poured my heart out and you responded with a sarcastic remark. Is this just a joke to you? Am I nothing but a fool in your eyes? I would've sufficed for something like, "let's just be friends," or, "I'm sorry but I'm not ready," because that would mean that you cared a bit. That's when I realized that you have no regard for me or what I feel. That's when I knew I deserved better than you. That's when I first tried to move on.

And when I say tried - I mean I did everything! I drank alcohol, I avoided you, I went on dates, I met the most beautiful girls in Jump City, I even slept with some of them - thinking that sexing it away will make me forget about you. It didn't work, it was stupid of me to even think so. It's hard getting your heart broken and realizing that you like being in pain if it's for the one you love.

I talked to you again, pleading and begging for some reciprocity. I told you to notice me, speak to me, be friends with me again. I didn't like what we've become. I want to make corny jokes and to have you 'laugh' at them. I want to make a dumb comment and have you retaliate it. I know I was angry at first but being friends is better than being nothing. You scoffed at my words and I prepared for another harsh blow, but you did nothing bad. Instead, you told me that you missed being friends with me too. You apologized - freaking apologized for avoiding me. You said that we should just forget about this and continue on as if nothing happened. That stung a bit, I'll admit, but it's okay, I understand now that loving you will always be painful. And you know what, I'm going to smile through it all and if I could, I'll make you smile too.

Damn, it was hard - pretending like I wasn't crazy for you. It's alright though, we could have normal conversations without being awkward now. And instead of me falling even harder for you, I learned that being friends was better than us being together. I've grown accostumed to it - to the pain. It doesn't hurt anymore when you walk through the door, you rejecting me doesn't cause tears and scars anymore. I'm not afraid of being with you anymore. My heart rate stays the same even if you're right next to me, and I don't even get those tingles whenever you accidentally touch me anymore. I've finally did it. I've finally moved on. I'm sure I couldn't have done it without you, so I will forever thank you for that. For rejecting me, and making me realize that we weren't for each other.

Then, a few months later, we were alone in the tower - the others were doing some things that somehow doesn't concern us. You and I talked and we ended up drinking a few pints of beer. I found out that you get drunk easily, and that you are a very emotional drunk - laughing at something in one moment, then crying your eyes out in the next. It was very amusing to watch, but it did make your powers go crazy. You smashed the windows when you laugh, you crushed the light bulbs when you cry. You ended up cutting my arm deeply with your powers. When you realized that I was bleeding quite badly and it was your fault, you cried once again. You said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," over and over. You continued to say that you never meant to hurt me, you said that you love me. You apologized again for pretending that you don't care, you said that you do care, you do love me. You said that you've been working on your powers, that you've been learning to control it better, so you can finally be with me - you told me you did that because you love me.

Well damn, I guess it's my turn to apologize now. I'm sorry I'd given up on you that fast, I thought it was best to move one. I'm, strangely, not sorry for breaking your heart because it seemed fair to me. You're finally crying for me, you're finally hurting for me - it sounds so fucked up, but it felt good for me to watch you finally feel the pain that I was feeling for so long. And I am so sorry, but let's be honest here, we weren't good for each other. You and I liked hurting each other too much. You and I would've been toxic, I think. And I'm so sorry.


End file.
